New Workplace Definitions from Give Us Five Dollars.com

Here are some Blue Ribbon Workplace Definitions we found in one of those horrible emails with a Subject Line that reads "FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: This is really cute". UGH! Don't you HATE those emails? Don't your friends have anything better to do at work but forward these obnoxious emails to everyone they've ever met? Of course not! This is America, and abusing the internet at work is a God-given right that MUST be SOMEWHERE in the Constitution...or it should be...

Hey, before you get caught up in this hilarious list...you're not going to make us beg for a measly fiver are you? Have you considered how cool you'll be when you GIVE US FIVE DOLLARS? Cool isn't even the word. ULTRA-Cool. SUPER DUPER-Cool. TOO DARNED COOL TO BE COOL-Cool...Wow, look at you. When you pay us that fiver, you are gonna ooze so much Cool they'll have to defrost your monitor just so you can type! Well, here's what we shamelessly snitched from the email plus a few of our own - enjoy!

NEW WORKPLACE DEFINITIONS FOR 2002:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending the entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

CUBIST: An artist who's work is primarily drawn on vacant white boards in unused work cubicles and meeting rooms.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies or reams of copy paper from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the poop out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake on something due to the head honcho in five minutes.

FLOATING LOG : One who drifts from office to office, level to level, job to job; usually preceded by a coffee cup held in a swaying hand, and often doing a good job of blocking the progress of those who surround them. Tend to collect in eddies near water fountains or unused meeting rooms, and exist mostly in the murky depths of large windowed corner offices behind large brightly polished, but unused, desks. Possess magical powers which allow them to drift upstream into higher and higher positions without anyone being sure how they got there.

Got any other workplace definitions to share? Email Us and we'll add them to the list!